soldier on

never have i been so torn, shaken,
and broken...than i have been tonight.

i did not know my eyes could hurt so much from the liquid pain that poured from them, as they fell down my face, and splashed before me. i did not know my heart could be cut wide open like that, and left gaping and gasping for air. and never had i at one moment felt such loneliness grip this limp body of mine as i felt just now.

dad and i had a..."discussion"that ripped me to bits...i'd rather not relive it...but i've got to make some changes as a result. gotta tighten my belt and stick to my budget so that i can afford to continue going to clemson. and despite my shaken morale, gotta continue to believe that i CAN ACHIEVE my goals. he may not have faith in my ability to do so, but i gotta keep believin. and stick to my plan. MY plan, not his. sacrifices will have to be made, but that's life. gotta suck it up. if i want to stay at clemson, get a degree, and proceed to pharmacy school, gotta take it one day at a time. it's up to me to get through this. and i will.
like hell i will.
with God of course. can't forget the big man at a time like this...

i've calmed down since i wrote the beginning of this. had to call melanie to ask some meal plan questions. and she made me laugh. it was refreshing. it was beautiful. it reminded me that though i don't get all the support i need from home, i've got friends who will be there for me and give me all the support i need. and friends who will uplift me in prayer. and remind me that they believe in me too. though tonight was crushing, at least i know i'm coming home tomorrow...not just to an apartment, but a home.